ORDER FORM | HOME PAGE
 

MICHAEL TEACHINGS HUMOR

By Shepherd Hoodwin

 

 

MESSAGES FROM BOB

I'm sure that many of you have had the experience of saying that you're into Michael channeling, and getting a reply something like, "Yeah, me too! The archangel Michael, right?" Then you must explain, "No, this is the entity Michael, consisting of 1050 souls on the causal plane."

"Well, the archangel Michael is the one who came as Jesus."

"Is that so? Then why didn't he keep that name?"

This is all very confusing--the name Michael seems to be as common on higher planes as it is on the physical plane--so I suggested to Michael that they change their name. They agreed that it was worth considering.

A simple route would be to go with "Mike"--"I like Mike" could be our slogan, and we could have buttons printed--but I favor something different altogether.

Since, like all of us, Michael has both male and female energies, perhaps we should think about some female names. Michael consists of kings and warriors, so someone suggested "Brunhilda." My mini-encyclopedia of baby names says it means an "armor-wearing maiden who goes into battle." (A dictionary defines Brunhild (without the a) as "a queen in the Nibelungenlied.") It has possibilities. I also like "Ethel," which means "of regal bearing." Since Michael is a collective entity, they could have more than one name. "Lucy" means "will bring much illumination and knowledge." So one could channel "Lucy and Ethel." Or two channels could team up, one channeling Lucy, the other, Ethel. However, although it's perfectly socially acceptable for a woman to channel an entity with a male name (such as J.Z. Knight channeling Ramtha), a man channeling an entity with a female name would not be taken seriously in our society by many people. Since channeling needs all the positive public relations it can get, perhaps a male name would be more practical for the time being.

How about "Gary," or "Fred"? Whom do you know who channels Fred? The Michael Educational Foundation (in Orinda, California) could then be called "The Fred Educational Foundation," or Fred Ed for short. The only trouble with "Fred" is that I already have both a spirit guide and a father named Fred. If a causal entity, spirit guide, and father all answered when I said "Fred," it would be confusing for me. However, that's not your problem, and I still feel that "Fred" should be given due consideration.

My favorite, though, is "Bob." It's short, and sounds pleasant and approachable:

"I channel Bob."

"Bob who?"

"Just Bob."

"Who's Bob?"

"Bob is a friendly, easygoing causal-plane entity made up of kings and warriors who give practical information on things like relationships and parallel universes."

Now I know that some of you would prefer something more spiritual-sounding, something Indian (either kind), or at least Biblical, but let's face it: most of the Biblical names have been taken, except for some obscure ones in the Begats. The East Indian names are long, and the Native American ones are hard to spell. No, I'll take "Bob"--good ol' Bob, your causal friend, and mine.

 


 

DIAL-A-MICHAEL
[An advertisement--from a latenight infomercial]
 

Announcer: You know the scenario. It's been a rough day: Your significant other walked out on you.…

Alice: Oh, Jim! Jim! Please don't go! I'll do anything to keep you! Anything!

Jim: It's too late, Alice! I'm in love with Ralph. [Jim closes the door behind him. Alice hurls dishes against the wall, and then collapses in tears.]

Alice: [Anguished] Maybe I should I have had that sex-change operation.

Announcer: You lost your job…

Boss: Sorry, Alice, but with the market the way it is, we have to downsize. Brain surgeons with law degrees are a dime a dozen today, and those discount operations are killing us.

Alice: [Later] What does this mean? Is this the opportunity I've been waiting for to attend The Wilford Beauty Academy?

Announcer: And astral fragments are trying to take over your body…

Astral fragment: Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

Alice: I said get away, Attila!! Get away! You can't have it!

Announcer: You desperately need a channeling session, but it's 3 a.m. and your channel is vacationing in the Caribbean anyway.

Sound familiar? If it's happened once, it's happened a thousand times--but NO MORE!!

DIAL-A-MICHAEL TO THE RESCUE!

YES, NOW YOU CAN SPEAK WITH YOUR FAVORITE CAUSAL ENTITY TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK! Michael, the entity of the stars, is personally available to YOU whenever you need them. Our well-trained staff of courteous Michael channels is standing by. Just dial

1-900-MICHAEL

Michael: You see, Alice, Jim and Ralph are essence twins, and have been mates in many past lives, so even with a sex-change operation, you could not come between them. They met at this time because you and Jim are now complete with your sex karma, and it's time for you to move on.

Alice: So this is my life plan unfolding?

Michael: Precisely!

Alice: What a relief!

Michael: And there's more good news. Jim's essence thought it would be fun to die in California's next earthquake, which is coming up this February. The plan is for you and Ralph, who is your task companion, to reconnect at the funeral to provide mutual support. You'll fall in love, marry on March twenty-second at 2:30 p.m., and eventually have thirteen children. And Jim will be your first daughter.

Alice: Hmm. That's very interesting.

Michael: About your former boss…he's a first-level infant slave in rejection, repression, stagnation, retardation, aggression, and power. He's in the instinctive part of the instinctive center, a cynic and skeptic in arrogance, self-destruction, greed, martyrdom, and stubbornness.

Alice: No wonder he was so difficult to work with!

Michael: Also, he was completing an agreement he made with you before this lifetime began to fire you when your midlife monad began so that you could confront your childhood imprinting. You see, Alice, by becoming a brain surgeon and an entertainment lawyer, you were unconsciously trying to fulfill your mother's ambition of becoming an actress on "General Hospital." Now you are free to find your true destiny.

Alice: You mean, becoming a cosmetologist?

Michael: Yes! You've wanted to do this ever since your lifetime as Cleopatra.

Alice: I was Cleopatra?

Michael: That's basically correct, and you really got into the cosmetics.

Alice: Wow! Now I understand why, when I was little, I was always wrapping my pets in gauze bandages and putting them in boxes.

Michael: Right. Now, regarding those pesky astral fragments trying to take over your body--you have to learn to set boundaries. Every woman has the right to say no to a man, whether he's incarnate or not. You were once Attila's sex slave, and you've got to make it clear to him that your relationship has changed.

Alice: Oh, Dial-A-Michael, how can I ever thank you? You've saved my life once again!

Michael: It's nothing Alice. Glad we could be of assistance.

Announcer: If your life is falling apart, or if you just have questions about your relationships, career, or possession by evil forces, dial now! Your call will be listed discreetly on your phone bill as Sex Karma Enterprises. Only $3.95/minute.

 


 

HOW I REALLY BEGAN CHANNELING

When people ask me how I began channeling, "how I knew I had this gift," they usually expect to hear something cosmic such as "Michael appeared to me in my kitchen. They spoke to me out of the flame of my range and told me that it was my destiny to channel them," or something like that. However, the truth is actually much more down-to-earth.

One day, I was reading a magazine, and in the back was an ad for Famous Channelers' School (FCS). FCS offers a home-study course taught by world-renowned channels such as Maureen Johnson (who channels Millard Fillmore), Stephen (who channels a fifty-thousand-year-old Atlantean fashion designer, El Elan), and Lester Dumkowski (who channels extraterrestrials from the Great Green Cheese Brotherhood). I had never thought much about channeling, but they offered a free evaluation of your channeling talent. I thought, "What the heck!" and decided to give it a try. After all, I had nothing to lose.

The test simply consisted of drawing a picture of a dog they were thinking of. I tuned in to the Famous Channelers' School, and an image of a miniature poodle popped in to my mind--I didn't know why--so I drew it and sent it off. A few weeks later, when I had all but forgotten about the test, the results came in the mail. To my surprise, they had been thinking of a miniature poodle! They said I had a natural gift for channeling, and offered me a special deal on their course--just $499.95. So I decided to enroll.

The first entity I channeled was Alfred E. Neuman, which was interesting, in light of the fact that I had seen the ad for the school in Mad Magazine. I found his energy and insight quite healing, but after a while, "What, me worry?" was just not specific enough advice. I decided to look for another entity. It was then that Michael appeared to me in my kitchen, that very evening, while I was cooking dinner. They spoke to me out of the flame of the left rear burner of my Kenmore range. It was a miracle, because that burner had not been working, and now, flames were leaping four feet in the air! It was especially impressive because I had an electric range. After that, the whole thing broke down and I had to junk it. Anyway, Michael told me that we had agreements for me to channel them and for them to assist me in my spiritual growth. They said that Alfred's task was just to get me ready.

What was really interesting is that I had almost ordered in Chinese food that night, and something told me to heat up a can of pork and beans instead. I guess it was just my spiritual destiny. Anyway, I've been channeling Michael ever since.

 


 

"BASICALLY"
[A letter to The Michael Connection ]

Dear Editor,

I was channeling the other day and got some really interesting material. I thought that the "Letters to the Editor" column would be a good place to share it. Basically, Michael has asked that the Michael community refrain from using the word basically throughout the entire mature soul cycle on earth. The basic reason for this is that throughout the end of the young soul cycle, it was used in almost every sentence. Michael feels, basically, that if it's used anymore, it will aggravate the basic mature soul tendency toward mental illness. In other words, it will drive everyone nuts.

So basically, Michael is asking that if we feel the need to use the word basically, we go to the positive pole of scholar and get out our thesaurus where we'll find words such as "fundamentally," "mainly," "primarily," and "principally," or better yet, go cold turkey and just say what we basically have to say without filler.

Basically yours, Shepherd Hoodwin

 


 

THE MICHAEL HOME FOR VERY OLD SOULS
[A Commercial]
 

DO YOU SOMETIMES FORGET WHAT PLANE YOU'RE ON?

Actor 1: "Why doesn't that table fly when I will it to?"

 

OR EVEN WHAT PLANET THIS IS?

Actor 2: "Boy! Those Venus women sure have big--oops!"

 

MAYBE IT'S TIME TO JOIN THE HAPPY FOLKS AT THE MICHAEL HOME FOR VERY OLD SOULS!

Yes, you can retire in the comfort and peace you deserve! After six million years on the physical plane, live out your golden years free from those irritating younger souls who still believe THAT TIME AND SPACE ARE REAL!!! (God love 'em.)

At The Michael Home for Very Old Souls, you'll live among flowers and trees, birds and bees, in genteel poverty, your every need filled by our highly trained staff. You will feast on sumptuous meals of salad, soyburgers, wheatgrass juice, potato chips, and Coke. After a hard day of reading, watching videos, taking walks, and hot-tubbing, you will be free to spend your evenings relaxing with like-minded friends, discussing the meaning of life and other people's kinky sex. Once a week (or whenever they get around to it), other old souls even more impoverished than you will clean your room and do your laundry, releasing you from the drudgery of physical-plane existence, freeing you to advance spiritually through meditation, chanting, and washing dishes (not actually dirty dishes, of course).

Yes, the senility of very-old-souldom can actually be fun, and not just for old kings such as Old King Cole. You too can be merry, even if you're an old scholar or priest with abrading overleaves such as cynic, acceptance, and heavy self-dep sliding to exalted arrogance! To learn more, call 1-800-OLD-SOUL now!! for your free all-black-and-white photocopied brochure. (Ask about our fabulous out-of-body field trips!)

 


 

IDENTICAL COUSINS

I was flipping the dial on my TV last night, and came across a documentary in black and white about two cousins who are identical. I was astounded by it. Of course, I know that sisters or brothers can be identical, especially if they are born at the same time, but I didn't know that cousins could be identical. There have been many studies done of identical twin siblings, but as far as I know, this is the first study of identical cousins. It was fascinating. For instance, one of them adores the minuet, while the other likes to rock and roll and sometimes even lose control. Not only are their different temperaments interesting, in light of the fact that they are identical, but it is especially intriguing that one of them loves the minuet, since practically no one has danced it in over two hundred years. Could she actually be a past-life self of her cousin?

The whole thing got me to thinking: I have a big family, and I don't know all my relatives. Maybe I have an identical cousin somewhere. If that's the case, I'd really like to meet him. It would be so much fun. We could dress alike, and no one would know who was who. Maybe he even channels Michael!

Then my skeptical side kicked in. After all, I wasn't born yesterday. How is it genetically possible for cousins to be identical? With brothers or sisters, the egg splits. Could it be that an egg can split a generation or more back, and be passed genetically through siblings, so that when they have children, they both get the same egg? After mulling this over, I decided to ask Michael about it.

They said that no, the identical cousin phenomenon does not result from splitting eggs. It occurs when two parallel universes try to merge, but are not quite similar enough. In the example cited in the documentary, had the two universes involved fully merged, it would have resulted in a schizophrenic personality--you can imagine the chaos if someone tried to minuet and rock and roll at the same time. The universe, being orderly, provides for such contingencies through the rare phenomenon of identical cousins.

I also saw a fascinating program about a man whose uncle is apparently from Mars. However, Michael said that although he has a martial body type, he is actually from Mercury. Anyway, I am thankful for the resources that television provides to expand our awareness.

 


SUPPLEMENTAL MICHAEL READING CHART

 

 

SUMMERJOY PRESS BOOKS

 

ORDER FORM | HOME PAGE | TOP OF PAGE